hudderjones

So I am once again sitting in my office....at school....not doing work! ha! I should be planning for tomorrow but have decided to procrastinate for a bit longer. I usually do this everyday which would explain why I don't  have stuff for class prepare tomorrow, my field house training room needs to be organized and so does the training room in the school. oh well....i'll do it eventually...along with hole punching and alpabitizing the sports physicals. Guess I should start taking my medicine again....might keep me a little more organized and maybe on task. Yeah.

But anyways. For the third and I can only hope last time....but I have once again failed my BOC test. And its not b/c im stupid, i can obviously do this b/c i have a job as an athletic trainer. I just don't know what it is. Seriously its just to the point now were it is ridiculous....If i dont pass it the fourth time I dont know what I will do. But im not planning on telling anyone here at the school. My parents know. Lawrence knows. Hunter knows....and he didn't pass either. And we both know our stuff! So its got to be a reflection of the first two years of learning next to nothing except in Jeanne's class.  I really thought that this time we passed....I mean it was our third time and both of us have had just about enough.

I thought God may have been punishing me. And then i was just so angry at Him. I wanted to pass so badly, bc it just hurts more each time I dont pass and It makes me feel like a failure and that I wasted 4 years of life at CU.  I start to think is this what God wants me to do? But I asked before I got this job that if he saw fit for me to have it then open or close doors. So Im sure this is where he wants me. Lawrence said maybe it was God's way of telling me that I didn't study enough...maybe so. I dunno I just want to pass this and make everyone proud! And to make me feel like I can do this and I accomplished not only a college degree but a certification and license to practice athletic training...something ive wanted to do since high school. Ive got a great paying job and just love it....most days :P

*sigh* A friend of mine left me an IM yesterday that said to get into Gods word and spend time with Him so that I am giving from my overflow and not my reserve. thanks marla!

So im gonna spend sometime in Psalm 145 like she suggested for a few minutes while I have some peace and quiet.

But guess for now all I've got is a try....ha! But Ive got love and support from family and the love of my life....I just dont want to tell anyone else face to face b/c I dont want them to think I'm stupid or think "wow...three times already? can't she not get it? maybe she doesn't know what she's doing"
I dont want people to think that...bc I love this profession and yes I wish i had paid a little more attention in college but im growing into a great athletic trainer out at the high school and am just loving it.

Im going to keep trying...its all I've got.....until next time....
oh and to my special reader.....can't wait for Saturday!

peace out

Ok so I have successfully gained 10 lbs.....sad sad day.....bahh I havent weighted this much since my sophomore year. Boo. so my goal is to lose that 10lbs before school stars which. official day is August 27th.
But I'll be doing tons of stuff up there, espically since the first official day of Football is July 30th....
So I have a goal and now i just need to meet it!

Another thing, I have ants in my room!!!!!!! Tiny little bastards. I put down two ant killer things and hopefully they will all be dead soon.....But I have to clean my room today. and i mean clean. Like its going to be a work out type clean. I'll be getting started soon here. very soon.

Im still waiting on my test scores. Its weird this time. I totally feel God is in control. Last time I worried so much, and I still get a little anxious when i click the BOC tab on my computer and wait while the page loads. but I know that if i fail (i hope not) that somehow God will provide a way for me to pay to take the next one in august. And if i pass it was totally God getting me through 4 years of school and that test. So to God be the GLORY!

Speaking of our most High. God really showed himself to me over the past 3 weeks. FCA camps were just amazing. Words dont do justice to it. I realized a lot of my time that I wast needs to go back to the Lord. I need to step up my quiet times and really dig deep into the word. There is so much spiritual warfare and I want to be prepared in season and out! But I can't even begin to describe how big God was through prayer and through just showing me who he is. Constant. always the same never changing! How awesome a God we serve who never changes! We may change but God stays the same! how awesome!

Ahh okay I think that its time to go clean the room, after some lunch....of course. A little lunch that is. Gotta lose the 10lbs,.....15 would be awesome. But well start with the 10.

till next time!
peace out

i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
(yellowcard)

well its the night before its almost 11:00 and im actually kinda tired for once....lets not jinx it. I hope all the studying and the past 4 years will help me pass this test tomorrow...

But I can't be worried about not passing it....I Just got to go take it and pass it....plain and simple as that

Well I just got off the phone with Lawrence. I sure do miss him. *Sigh* another week till I can see him again....I just want to be held for 5 mins....so that this test wont seem so big....4 years down....and one test in my way.....

im mostly packed for GBM and am excited to get there on friday....

well Im going to bed. just wanted to post before I can't the next two weeks....

Peace out

THIS BLOWS!!! AND I MEAN BIG TIME!!!!

When i got off the phone with LP I did as he said.....go to bed early the next two days so that I will be rested for friday. Well I came back in the house after being eaten by mosqitos (all worth it b/c i got to talk to my man!)
And i didnt study anymore. I prolly should have but I didn't I hung out on the couch and just chilled....I've been studying my brains out all week and even though like LP says I never think I study enough...I dont but i decided not to study anymore and just relax and get sleepy and go to bed. Well I waited and waited and thought well i'll just go lay down. Sooo I did....and now its 130 and I am wide awake!
and buddy this really sucks. All I want is to sleep so that i can get up at a decent hour in the morning....watch some morning tv, eat some waffles and start my studying. Study till a little after lunch, then take a break to pack for black mountain....go get a well deserved coffee. (havent had one from the shop in over a week!)
Then get back to studying untill dinner, take a break, then study a little more....talk to LP.....look over a few things then go to bed early. Get up friday and go take that test!!!

Sounds like a great plan huh? yeah just missing one key thing SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry baby, I tried but I just don't understand why I can't sleep

So i did what any person would do....or what i should have done before bed. I got up took one tylenol PM and ate a bowl of cereal....so hopefully that will help. And Im hoping that by typing this entry i'll get sleepy.....but yea it's almost 2:00 am and i just want some sleep so i dont sleep all morning. But hey I use to run off of 5 maybe 6 hours a night if that during the school week....and during times of big tests or projects it was less than that. But now I just want some sleep

ok well a few mins have passed and I think Im starting to get a little sleepy.....good. But I can't afford to sleep all day tomorrow. But I will get up. and do as I plan just go to bed early. I have to remember to get directions and my number I don't know if they sent it to me yet or not. that would suck if they didn't. neways.....well hopefully this time will be better......

night night (i hope)

As the title says....it is 3am.........problem? Im not asleep. Sure Im on the bed surrounded by my books and the feeling of wanting to pass this test that i feel i must not sleep till I do. But i did get through more of the study book....I miss questions. Which at first made me mad then i just figured I was learning....besides its suff i have no clue or could tell you two years ago in some bergie class but not now. Oh poo
I did make some flash cards should make more but they are so tedious...but i will when i get up tomorrow...or rather today....bahh Oh and i did type out and send my testimony for BM FCA camp. I learn something different or rather talk about something different everytime. The last time i gave it I talked about Christ centering our lives and this time its geared more about giving up to God and allowing to find peace in his Love before you can really find love itself....something like that. But i liked it all the same.
Oh and the test i just want to do good but i need this anxiety about it to go away...comes with the should have started studying earlier....but it'll be ok.....i hope
well guess i will lay down and go to sleep now.....I have to wake up at 8 and call LP to get some info and then wait for him to call back to register him for a defensive driving class....they should name it....you got a ticket pay us $85 so we can tell you your an idot dont speed ever again...
but that would be too much to fit on the flyer.....bahh i feel bad he has to go....but i feel even worse ive waited this long to go to bed and now have to get up in 5 hours. I can go back to sleep but i need the time to study. so well see i'll prolly take a nap and that will help.
ok its off to dream land yay!

oh yea talked to heidi tonight YAY! miss her to much!

LP enjoy reading my blogs while Im gone! hehe

Hud

I am very much a lazy tard! I dont want to study at all! Well Im not sure if its a lack of not wanting to study....i really dont mind doing that.....more so I just think its a lack of the ability to focus. I was doing fine today w/o medicine and now i sure could use some....i think i might take a booster just to keep my focus. Ive check myspace and facebook a million times already and have forced myself not to play the game on them.
I'm getting frustrated with myself for the fact I should have started a while back but did not. And as i do questions in this book I got that covers a wide variety of things i should know I feel i dont know anything.
However it has allowed me to read in my exercise phys book and other book that I have not opened since I finished the class a year or two ago....so it has been rewarding in that sense.
But I guess that I will now get back to it. Go make some more coffee to add to the stimulate medication Im about to take and get to work. If i can get about 3-4 hours or more in tonight I will be thankful and proud.
I took a break to go eat with Knappy and we got back and he realized he left his keys in his house and is locked out....but no fear his landlord is bringing the key in a little while....hope he didnt have to wait for too long. But it was nice to catch up and chat with ol' knappy. He's funny

But anyways LP said he doesn't really care too much for painting, which is what he is doing on his mission trip. Ive never had the oportunity to go on a mission trip and he said today that when we get married we'll be going on them, so i needed to get use to that idea of no sleep ( it was a spin off statement of a comment made about no sleep and me never experiencing a mission trip)
But it got me thinking about it and Im already excited! haha
But one day I hope to do missions work in India, it will prolly have to be in my summer time, but I hope to get that chance one day....Lord willing.

Lord I pray right now for focus and the ability to stay awake for the next few hours. Lord help me to retain this knowledge so i can become a certified Athletic trainer and be able to do my job at the HS. Lord continue to be with LP and his youth as they are helping others this week. Give them rested bodies and spirits. May they have a great time serving others in your name. Also be with Mallory's family as they suffer from the loss of their mom who has done so much for the youth at LPs church. I pray she has found rest and comfort with you in her heavenly home. Bless this night, this week and the days yet to come. In your name I pray Amen

ok its coffee and Ritalin time.....yes sir!

SO its been a little while since my last post.....but as of now I am officially graduated from Campbell University with the BS in Athletic Training. And the best news so far this summer....I will be the new head Athletic Trainer of Overhills High school WOOOO-HOOOO!!!! The sad news I missed being certified by 20 points. I passed the part I went to Texas for, but I have to retake the hole test since when i took it that was the last time to take it the old way. But after this time if I miss any thing then I only have to take the section i missed. There will be 150 MC questions and 4 Hybird problems.  And we are given 4 hours to complete the test....and I'll probably have to use all 4. Oh well. After that I will be headed to Black Mountain for an All girls multi sports camp for FCA. Ive herd great things about girls BM camp and Im really excited about it! As soon as that is over I'll be headed back to Campbell for FCA Leadership camp! this will be my third year as a Huddle leader and LP will be there! So will Jub, probably Kimball, and C-note. So I'm really ready for leadership camp! I know I will be exhausted and worn out but God will keep me going.

So summer is here, and I'm moved into my new house up the street from CU with 3 other awesome girls. My room still is undone and crazy but I really haven't made the time to finish it. I've been either with LP or as of lately studying my poor brains out! Ive counted it a true blessing to get to spend so much time with Lawrence, even though this week most of that is coming to an end. :(
We've got to spend a lot of time together, basically everyday and since this week I need to study I'm not seeing him until VBS at around 6ish. We have VBS at his church this week. And Im helping him with the youth class. we had a really good time playing ultimate frisbee the other night.
But Saturday Lawrence is leaving for WV for a mission trip with the boys in his youth and when he gets back I will have already left for Black mountain. So after friday I wont see LP till I get back from BM, or probably Sat at leadership training. That will be the longest time that will have been apart and not seen each other since we starting dating 4 moths and 7 days ago! :) hehe

The other thing Im excited about this summer is me and Lawrence are doing this book called 101 questions before you get engaged. And yea i know we've been dating 4 months. but he's the one. ;) (yes you are my special reader haha, since your reading this....or really the only one who reads this...

But I think that's enough for now. I should do some studying....Lawrence is coming here later so I need to get some in. b/c i know in not going to want to study when he gets here......even though i will.

Have a good one!

I am so ready to be done with college.....I don't want to do this proficiency tomorrow....I don't to fail. B/c i'll cry or get mad .....or both.
BAHHHHHH I think its stupid that she is even giving us one....I mean come on. This is really retarded. she could have told us about this thing....earlier!! Not that i would have really done anything about it, but I would have at least know about it earlier than last week. Besides I think between the projects and papers and the freakin BOC we have done enough for this semester.....
*sigh* after im done with this thing tomorrow and go print my pics i will come back and take a nap and maybe start to clean this apartment so it is easier to get things packed and moved at the end of may.
Well I vented enough time to study and go over things I don't really give a rats butt about......Im so ready to just be done with this and with Campbell for a while. All i want is to graduate and get my Athletic Trainers Certification!
AHHHHH here we go almost there......almost there......

Oh yes it is love....i mean true love.....the love that God has made and put inside two people and when they meet that love becomes one love.
Its been almost a month for me and the love of my life LP!! I can't express to people how i feel about him, its hard for other people to understand. A buddy of ours says that were stupid for saying we will get married, but i know we will. He's the one for me!
I made a request to God that I did not want to date until it was time to date the man i was meant to marry, the man that God  specifically made for me. God made me for Lawrence and he made Lawrence for me. And its just AMAZING!
Ive had to break down and be real with myself in dating LP, which is what i knew would happen the moment we started dating. Or even before then I was like "God he's gonna break down a lot of walls, but Im ready"
Its been truly amazing how God can work in one person life to shape them just right to fit someone else. There is honestly now one else who could ever know me the way LP does, and no one who would ever have said to me to give him my pain and he will take it. That is love.
We talk about marriage as if we are saying I Do tomorrow and i like that! it makes me feel so comfortable to talk to him about that and excited! It makes me feel so good knowing I get to spend the rest of my life with Lawrence.  :D
I love him more and more each day. this is love and its the real God sent deal. Im not deserving of this, but God loves me so much that he wants me to be happy and want Lawrence to be happy that he made us for each other.
Thank you Lord, I could not have even imagined anyone better!

But I have a test to study for

oh wait the real reason for this post.....I was looking in my facebook messages. Me and LP went on a run last October ( i should be running now....but I can be a very lazy bastard haha) and here is what he said....well a small portion that made me laugh

I'll pray for you that God will help you through this year with class and AT and everything and that one day he'll show you that special guy who's faith will knock you off your feet....

oh the irony! lol jk, but isn't that amazing. I can just picture God crossing his arms snickering and being like.....oh if you only knew....haha, I love Gods sense of humor. Its crazy  to think that special guy was standing right in front of me several months ago and i never knew. wow....ahh I love it!

Oh it is love!
Oh say, wouldn't you like to be older and married with me
Oh say, wouldn't it be nice to know right now that we'll be
Someday holding hands in the end
All our broken plans will have been
I will kiss you soft so you know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?
(hellogoodbye)

alright time to study some more.....Thank you God

-Hud-

So i don't understand what's going on with me....I'm so emotional today...I just want to cry but nothing comes.....its like i cant cry
I don't understand.
I need to finish my paper before tomorrow but I don't care right now, i feel like I'm going to break and cry any minute now....i almost wish I could. Just to get it over with and maybe I would feel better
BAHHHH

I want LP here really bad too. He makes me feel like things are going to be ok, and even if they aren't then I can just cry all I want and he'll be here to hold me. I like having space and i know he does too....but since he's so close on campus its hard. But we'll get through. I think summer will help out. But f'real I can't wait for the day when i can come home to him every night and sleep in his arms.

well im going to bed early to get up and work on this paper.....i just need a break......I'll get one soon.


Goodnight
-Hud-

Dating Lawrence has seriously taught me a lot....and to think we really havent been dating that long. Almost a month!! YAY!
But Ive had to come face to face with some serious issues and deal with lot of problems that I swept under the rug for a long time. But God knew what he was doing when he brought the two of us together.

BAHHH......ok so tonight me LP and Bryce had a big ol discussion about FCA this year and Kimball and just whatever. There were things that were misunderstood and some distention and bahhh....i dunno but I felt like i did get some points across to Bryce. but all in all i guess i just feel like, well i don't know.
Bryce and Lawrence were just having it out and i really wasnt saying much. I felt weird just being there. I guess i felt I should still be a part of the convo considering that i was there when it started and Bryce wanted to talk to us both. But it really became an argument between bryce and LP. But eventually Bryce was feeling like we were ganging up on him so i said i would solve the solution and just leave.
Well i get back and go help Hunter with his abstracts and listen as he tells me he still is missing a class to graduate!! we graduate in 46 days! this is not good....he better walk across the stage with me. Please dear Lord let Hunter retain the knowledge he needs to have to pass this placement test. So he can graduate this may and sit for his exam in april. Lord he has 2 weeks may he be diligent and may he pass that test!

But when iget back I talk to LP and he tells me that basically after I left him and Bryce worked stuff out......well that made me fell good....I mean its like i wasn't helping. LP said that i didnt realize it but sometimes i would defend him....well its not just defending him. But its defending and opinion that i share in as well. AS a leader in FCA....not just his girlfriend. Just makes me wonder if i hadn't of been there at all if they would have worked it out the same.....I just feel like my opinion as Heather doesnt really weigh in anymore....just b/.c me and Lawrence are dating doesn't mean we have the same opinion all the time. I have my own! UGH its just frustrating....and I prolly was defending him but i didnt like what Bryce was saying b/c it pertained to my opinion too.....not just LPs. So i dont think he realizes how much that knowing when i left it bettered the situation. If i had known i was going to be that much in the way or a problem....then i wouldnt have started in on the conversation.
SO BAHHHHH to the whole thing. I just want FCA to be God lead and just a big impact on this campus. I want to see Athletes and coaches and students come under one understanding of Christ love for them.
And i never want to see LP or Bryce get like that again. Bryce is really intense when he is mad or frustrated.
Its sides of those two i hope to never see again....and not toward me...I think i would die. I just cant handle that.

well its off to bed im too tired for all this. and i have 8am practical with Dr. J tomorrow....so i have to get up all on my own....bahhhh on that too.
Ahhh its all whatever now.....every bit of it.....till saturday

night night

Wow.....life is full of curveballs, strike outs, base hits, pop flies, double plays, and even a few home runs.
But for me I feel as if one minute I'm standing in the batters box ready for the pitch and it comes beautiful right down the middle. And being the left handed batter that I am....I attempt to lay down a bunt. Only to miss and have the runner on first be thrown out at 2nd. "Strike one!" yells the umpire, as if I didn't see the yellow blur wisp by me. But I get the signal.....bunt....again....
But in my favor this time...."Ball one!" little high. "Ball 2" that hit the dirt, "Ball 3!" to far inside...she almost hit me. So i still have the bunt signal, I'm fast so whatever I lay down I can usually out run and make it to first. Here it comes. *DING* the ball tipped the end of the bat. Dang it....that's strike two.  Full count and coach gives me the hit sign, but a look of please just get on base.
Focused, she winds up and releases SWOOSH!.... "STRIKE 3!" I heard the ball hit the catchers mitt even before the umpire could udder those dreaded words. With a heavy sigh I jog back to the dug out to grap my glove and head to the field. Distance words of encouragement are muttered from the crowed. A distinct " Its ok hunny, you got it next time" Thanks mom I think to myself.
Coach doesn't say much just shakes his head.

Once again I feel like I'm playing a never ending game of softball. I remember the feeling of striking out, about as much as the feeling of laying down a good bunt and running full speed to barley be safe at first. I remember though the feelings of guilt, shame, and letting the team down just the same....if not more.

Its not easy playing with all you've got only to disappoint the people around you. I can handle letting myself down, but letting others down, now that's a different ball game.

Sitting across the desk in my advisor's office and hearing the words "Heather, were disappointed" Ouch....my heart. I hate letting people down, especially those who's opinions matter a lot to me.

But I often do this to myself by trying to handle more than what I can take on. I don't like telling other people no. Well that's how my adviser puts it. So in my effort to play a great game, i come up short and miss the in-zone by an inch. But now Ive been given a chance to practice, so to speak. 2 weeks suspension from clinical duties. Which I think I knew it was coming, and yes it sucks, but I think that its going to work out great for me. I have 2 weeks to prepare for my BOC exam. I looked at the dates and b/c i can't take it the 13 or 14th b/c of an FCA middle school retreat I can either take it during the week or Sat april 7th which is wayyyy to close! Im not going to be ready....but then I think about it. How much more ready am I going to be a few days later. Even though that extra weekend would be awesome. The problem is that Ive almost missed all the days in some of my classes. i didnt go a few times and over slept one time. So Im praying that I can talk to my professor tomorrow and he will excuse the abstience or let me out of the class early. So dear Lord please help me out. In my inability to be responsible please help me out with this.

So i'll have a good two weeks to get my stuff done and believe me I have tons of it. I just hope that this suspension wont hinder me possibly getting the job out at Overhills. Another thing ive been praying for.

So much! but at my next up to bat Coach grabs me by the shoulders and face mask.
"Alright Basket, I know you can do this kid, now show me what you go and do it!"

So I stand again ....Ive got the signal and here comes the pitch.....right down the middle................

-Heather-

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
 
I can't even began to describe the way I feel right now....All I know is that God is so amazing!!! Thank you Lord! I can not thank you enough.

I've been shown the one...the guy for me! God has been faithful to me and I will continue to be true to him as well.

More to come later

Hud

SOOOOOOO this spring break has honestly been the most interesting spring break! I went into this springbreak single....and now im gonna come out of it in a relationship. Like i mentioned me and LP had been hanging out more and I was pretty sure he liked me. Well the moment that I completely gave everything over to God about dating and relationships he was able to take me...shattered and broken and empty, and build me up for this!
Its crazy how God works! I never saw myself with Lawerence, and now im not sure how i did with out him. I know that God has put him in my life. Its just crazy how it all came about. We laugh now, but i totally know that God did everything in his time and not ours. He prepared my heart and his heart for what to be said and what needed to be heard.

Im so happy now. I just cant even describe how happy I am with LP. He makes me smile and makes me want to grow in my relationship with God....in his words.. LP compliments my faith. I wrote in my jorunal last night. Most of it was a prayer. Praying for us that we would seek Godly council from other men and women couples who serve the Lord. That we would serve and glorify God through our relationship together and not ourselves.
I prayed for LP that he would stick to his true love waits commitment until he knows im the one. I pray that I would stay to a renewed one. I prayed that my pain, issues and problems would not affect or be brought into our relationship and cause any hinderance.
I want to type up the rest of my prayer, but I'll have to do it later b/c my dad is questioning what the mess im doing lol!

Life is awesome and God is f'real Ah-Mazing!!!!!

till next time
-Hud-

SOOOO it it spring break!!! No big plans really just hanging out with ppl.
Went the the beach saturday with the boys....LP,Kimball,Jordan,and Oyuga! It was warm at first then it got cold. We ate at some seafood place LP use to eat at when he lived there....walked on the boardwalk but the only thing open was some bar full of drink old men playing pool and a lady selling fudge haha but it was all good.

Yesterday I had my "talk" with Jordan...and it went pretty well. He told me about how he was just messed up from relationships and he finally had found something he liked in me...well everything actually. So we talked about it and I affirmed to him that i didn't like him like that and we worked well as friends. Jordan also expressed jealously over me and LP. He said it was hard for him to see me and LP so happy yesterday....and even when he wanted to dislike LP he couldn't b/c he said he's such a cool guy. So i gave Jordan a book by Joshua Harris "I kissed dating goodbye"
I hope he wasn't offended...the boys were making fun of me giving him that. Which i mean it sounds funny...Im not going to date you and i don't like you so here is a book about not dating...
i mean i only gave it to him b/c it has some really good stuff about love and what real dating is about. and how Gods love is defined...and i think it would be good for him to read....imo.

But today me and LP are headed up to VA to see Scotty Wade! orginally we were going to Williamsburg...the colonial part of VA....but really we just didnt leave so i just decided we didnt need to go. Josh was going with us to wilimasburg but since were not going now he's just gonna go ahead and go to his house.
But im excited about me and LP going together. The other night we watched Shrek 2 and the night before Take the Lead...I feel aleep in both. but Shrek night i feel asleep with my legs across him....One b.c i wanted to....2 b.c josh needed room to sit...and 3 b.c  he said i could and i wanted to stretch out. But i liked it so it was an added bonus
He acutally feel asleep at my place last night, on the couch. so i put a blanket over him and cut out the lights and told him to just sleep on my couch and i went to bed. He did however scare the sh*t out of my this morning....so  mild myocardial infraction later...haha

well i'll finish later i got to go let him in....and hes not permited to see my journal.
B/c well he's in it and b/c only the guy i marry can read these entries one day.

peaceout

I think he likes me.....maybe.....

Things have been different since ive re-examined my walk with the Lord....and since i've handed over to him my dating life. And my future. I totally just gave it over and have laid my foucs solidly on Jesus....ive got some issues to work out before i think i can really be ready to date. B/c the next guy......he's totally it and i totally believe God will provide that for me.

But ne ways Im still trying to focus on my relationship with God....but ive had so much going on lately. so my quiet times are suffering. which I don't like. Ive started to read a book called Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller. LP let me borrow it. Ive herd amazing things about it and im really excited to be reading it. I just really need to set aside more time to read it. 

But ive been spending more time with Lawerence this week. Ever since last Thursday when we went to the FCA Huddle leader meeting and we talked about what i took from the FCA retreat and we got talking about marriage and relationships and its weird but cool at the same time....we both totally understand were the other one is coming from. And were looking the same thing. 

Its weird I mean me and LP have been nothing but really good friends since we meet....well we had to go on a 2.5 mile run and then we talked outside my apartment for like 2 hours....which idont know why it didnt dawn on me to go inside the lobby and sit and talk after a run....but we had an awesome talk and ever since we've been growing in our relationship and talking more....

More so this semseter than the last....b/c last i was still messing around and trying to get things straight with God. So this semester Ive gotten things straight well focused for a better way of putting it. 

So I think he likes me.....He's just different toward me, and you know i like hanging aroung him too...But Im not ready....not yet. And if IF he's the one that God has set aside for me...I know he'll wait....we'll just have to wait and see....

Till then O' Lord I pray I will just contine to stay focused on you, and you will bring to me in time my guy
Until then Lord give him patience to not tell me what he wants to say yet....even though I know he wants to....Just let it all be in your timing.....give me the love for him that I am ment to have if he is "my guy" Thank you Lord for everything!

goodnight....or rather goodmorning....it is 3am...i gottta start going to be earlier!

God is sooooo beyond cool. And i believe that sometimes he is up to something.....actually I know he is. But I wonder if Im ready for it.....I dont think I am and he knows that. But he is really preparing me for it. 

I just gave up wanting to date and basically be done with love. I asked God and said that I want to be done with dating and boys.....and the next relationship I enter will be in his timing and it will be with the guy that Im suppose to marry. Im just done playing around...Im serious. Its now my time to focus on God....me and Him. Im 22 years old and im done....Im totally chaning my focus to working on my intimacy with God. In working on that I hope to fix the problems with intimacy that I have. I have some issues that i need to get straight so that I dont bring that into my relationship with my future husband.

Im so excited actually about finding him...my guy....the one im going to spend the rest of my life with! AHHH i can't wait! well i can in a sense. I really feel so much better since I admitted, wrote down and had a talk with God about how i feel about dating. And how i want the next person Im intrested in, the next guy I date.....for him to be IT. Its a big thing to ask. but I know that its was the first step that God wanted me to take....and now he has started to fully heal me. So that when God is ready to place me with my husband. I will be healed, and I can place forth all of me in the relationship...and there will be no competiton bc me and God will be right. 

So now im running fully focused on God and one day I will look to the side and there is going to be this amazing guy doing the same thing!....till that day...

God pre-pare me for that day!